Thinking about the changes

Master nine's birthday today. Nine. Whoa.

I'm so glad to see him growing up, but I'm also sad that he has had to learn how to be a mini adult so soon.

He definitely enjoyed the Minion cake, the Lego Star Wars ship, and the numerous birthday cars. I enjoyed the fact that no one gave him money, and no one encouraged the usual "I want my presents". He's actually learned that that isn't appropriate behaviour. It's not okay to ask those questions, it's actually rude. I'm glad he's figured this out. (It's about time.)

Master six is getting along quite nicely. He's had a wonderful time here for a few weeks, and I'm glad to see him settled and happy. It's been a while. Homework is getting done easily, and it's obvious other people have spent some quality time with him. He lives and breathes on it.

I'm not sure where to keep going from here though? Everything has finally settled, can I settle now? It's about time, yes? Calming down, not feeling so down about the things that are going on around us. It has been so complicated for so long, maybe now we are getting our break.

So many things can change in a week here. We've gone from being constantly worried about Master six, and the now Master nine, to being at ease, because they have finally figured it out. Seriously. I'm enjoying the peace of it, but worried about what's coming up next. It has always worried me in fact. I've always worried if something will or wont happen. It's almost like Karma. Do this, and this will happen, etc. etc.

When I was younger, I used to refuse to daydream about things, because when I daydreamed about things that were going to happen, they never turned out the way I imagined, and I was always disappointed. I then got to the point of imagining the worst, so that I knew it couldn't get any worse when I was in fact going through the said disaster. It has turned me into someone quite negative in my outlook of other people and situations. I seem to second guess motives, and worry about what others are really thinking. It makes it quite hard to live in the standard social world, where pretty much every one else thinks differently to you.

I feel I really must explore this Asperger's idea. It's seriously worth a mention, with my biological father being who he is, and how he portrays himself, it's definitely worth a mention in my lovely list of human defects. There's got to be a reason why I think so differently to the other people in this world. For now I can just make the decision daily to be positive about the things I can control, otherwise, I will just keep on spiralling down into depression.

Maybe I'm destined to be there anyway.

Parenting

What if I were to create a blog that were for parents to read to catch a different perspective? I have interesting ideas that relate to parenting that others may not have considered, is that enough to do that?

Tough Times and Trials

There are so many times in our lives where we have the ability to pull a good thing from a bad situation.  I have friends who are doing it tough, and things are rather hard with their youngest child being sick an awful lot. But we all see that it's going to be better in the future. It doesn't make it any easier in the mean time. The older kids are babysat often, and it gets difficult for them too, but it's still better than being in the hospital having to be quiet, which can be very difficult when you're younger than six.

My fiance and I have been through soooooo much. We have wisdom to surpass others in similar situations, and we still believe that it's all worth it. It's for the kids. It's for us. Family. We are worth it. It's really nice to see people around us who are also so family oriented. But we are seriously glad for the break every other week too. What I would really like though, is an actual break. No work, no housework, no responsibility for a day. But oh well. I signed up for this 7 years ago when I was pregnant with my first, and then again with my second, and again when I started a new relationship with someone who already had kids. Do I regret having kids? Not at all. Do I wonder if it would have been easier if I'd done it all later in life? No doubt. But I cannot change it, so accepting it is the only way to go.

While in a financial situation that isn't all that pleasant, you learn how to be tight. With a tough situation with sick kids, you learn to persevere. While juggling both these things, you eventually learn to be forward thinking and organised. I know I've picked this up faster than others have, but whatever happened to being spontaneous? Seems hardly fair that you can't be, even when the kids aren't at home.

My words to those facing anything like this?
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1:2, 3 NIV)
It may seem never ending, it may always lurk in the background. But, know that everything that happens now will make you stronger, with higher tolerance of things to come. The wisdom you can carry to another going through the same will be immeasurable.
You have strength enough for this.

Yes, YOU have strength enough for this.

Short and sweet.

So, it's off week again. I'm sitting in the Hobart office, so bored that I've re-read my entire blog, and wondered where I was a year ago. It's nice to catch up with myself. Things that have changed for the better, and maybe for the worse. The financial situation gets tighter, but I have come to realise that this is because of my partner and his insecurities. Having less than $100 in his bank account makes him panic. Whereas my personal opinion is if there's more than $20 in my account, I'm jumping for joy! For me, it's normally all gone by the Friday that I have the girls. This is okay with me, because I have finished my week with the kids by then. I won the weekend argument with my ex. I have the girls for a whole weekend starting Saturday mornings. It's for the better of the kids too. There are so many benefits.

Going with the Flow...

Sometimes old things come to bite you in the bum.
Sometimes they're good things, to help you along that linear path that no one has actually constructed.
Sometimes it's a boring old thing, that doesn't really need dealing with, but it's still there.
But when it's something that comes to bite you in the bum, you have to be wary. You have a few options: Go with the flow; Hide where it came from - no one will know; or RUUUUN!!!

My partner's ex keeps biting us in the bum. Asking for more money, all the time. Don't Child Support get used to it, and tell the women to shut up? I've been on both sides of that coin, and now we're on the we're-too-poor-to-pay-that-amount side. But other than write a report saying just that, there isn't a lot we can do.

Loan's come to bite you in the bum once your divorced. My ex and I cannot settle ours, as I'm a single mum on a pension, there's nothing we can do. And my new partner's loan with his ex is a house loan, and it's not going anywhere until the house is sold, and in this market, it may be a while (fingers crossed it isn't).

Going with the flow is what I do best, you see. I don't stand and demand change, because it makes a scene. I don't like being the centre of attention. I have to be at our mum's group, because I lead some of it. But I'm not all that comfortable all the time. I do like taking charge. But going with the flow and steering - THAT, I am good at.

Our problem at the moment, is constructing how we are going to live on so little while the ex's both live with more. It's something that's both bit us in the bum, and we have to go with the flow to deal with it. Neither of us are the people to stand up for something that can barely be argued, even though we are so angry about what she is asking for, and what a government agency are suggesting we pay. So, going with the flow, even though we want to RUN, is the most likely option.

Ugh.

Not All Things Lead Home

Somewhere randomly, something went wrong. Whether it was back in the Garden of Eden, or if it was at the point of the first tantrum for not getting what I wanted. Whenever it was, something went wrong. Something made it into my personality, so that I could not in anyway, possibly be perfect. This is not supposed to be a design flaw, but a chance to redeem ourselves in our own lives, and how we interact and react with others.

How does this make our lives easier? Surely everything would be easier for everyone if we were all perfect?

Perfection is something we can always strive for, but rarely achieve.

Being me is a rather hard. I'm a perfectionist, so that my friendships stay together. I get worried and paranoid that I'm going to hurt someone by what I say or do. Or annoy someone by a passing comment, or by something that I do different to them. It's a lot to keep up with. I don't make stable relationships easily, and normally it's with people who are REAL. As in, the one's that make mistakes, and are open about it. The one's that live their lives not giving two hoots about what other people think they are doing. My problem is, I seem to find everyone else shallow.

I've been wondering about aspergers in women. There was an online test where I was in the mid range for having aspergers. The test asked you questions about social situations, and how you understood things and up to 22 was normal, from 23 to 31 was slightly higher than average autistic traits, and 32 and above was showing a high degree of autistic traits. I had 30. Yeah. Go me.

But seriously, I had been suspecting this for years. My friend has said I cannot have it, because I'm nothing like her boys and husband. To be honest, how would a female with Aspergers be different to a male? It's so darn hard to recognise! There are so many things that a female does differently to men. But in all honesty, I feel I just want an excuse to put down the fact that I am so different to anyone else. My biological father is weird, and unsociable. not because he doesn't try, but he doesn't understand that he is so arrogant in what he says. He doesn't understand why what is funny to him isn't funny to anyone else.

My family have always thought I was weird. I didn't fit into their social group, I rarely opened up how I felt or expressed my opinion. I was always going to be wrong anyway. I can still remember when for my 15th birthday, my mother asked me what colour lamp I wanted for my birthday. It was a joke. Everyone in my family knew that I was orange everything. Orange t-shirts, pencil cases, wall paint, etc. So, whilst standing in the middle of Target, my mother is looking at me, jokingly waiting for me to say "Orange", when I turn around and say "Blue". I have NEVER lived that one down. From then on, my mother would randomly think about this very moment, and would on-the-spot turn to me, smack me over the back of the head and comment, "You got the blue one". From then on, I made my own choices. If I was going to get smacked over the back of the head for that decisions, I may as well made the decisions that I want to make, and deal with it.

From making my own decisions, I developed my own taste. I became picky about my clothes, and the colours I like. I hate red and lilac. I refused to wear them, buy pencil cases with those colours on them, lunch boxes, you name it. I think the least used coloured markers out of my connector pen collection are both the lilac and the plain red. Who knew that one little change of mind would lead to such a picky person to buy gifts for?

When buying me a gift, one should know that I buy things for practicality. I don't generally buy someone else an ornament or other, because it has no obvious use. It's just not practical! So as much as it's annoying that I buy boring things, like facial scrub pads in a new brand that I love, or a spiral notebook with your name etched on the front with it's intent labelled underneath, or even a set of headphones that are wireless but ugly, it's because they are useful, and I don't think you'd ever buy it for yourself. In terms of a gift for me, money will suffice, because I'm always after bookcases, I'm always after new notebooks, hairties and candles that smell like vanilla. I love getting new things that I want, or need. It makes me feel like even though I can't buy everything that I want, I can survive on the little necessities that are pretty.  But even then you may never know what is right...

My mother still gets notebooks and pens for my presents. Although, now that we are not necessarily speaking, I get red ones. I wonder if I am supposed to be happy with the effort, when I know full well that the media pouch pocket from Smiggle with her much-loved owls on the front is a way better gift that she had attempted for the same Christmas? Does that mean that I should stop trying too? Seriously, I'd prefer the $10 that it would have cost to buy the red notebook and it's pen. Even if it was $5!

If a mother is willing to put the effort into a relationship with her daughter, does that show that all things lead home? Or does it live much to be desired?

Fictional Justice

I just want to say fuck fuck fuck it. I’ve just finished a Jodi Picoult book, and while they are interesting and intruiging, the endings are just about the winning of the court case. I want to know what happened to the girl. Seriously. What’s so hard about wanting to know about that? Because sometimes in life things don’t get fully explained? That’s what I want out of life though, for things to be fully explained. Just the way I like them.

It isn’t too hard to fully explain all the details in a book, nor on paper form for anything. But I suppose in the justice system, things go unexplained. I’d hate to be a lawyer for that reason. The thought of not being told the whole truth isn’t fathomable for me. It’s just the way I am built. Seriously. If you can’t follow the common rules of respect for another, there need be no more respect shared between two people. Maybe that’s another reason why my marriage failed. There was no communication, so there was no truth, no story told. No background. Therefore no respect to be given.

This book didn’t even have a happy ending. After 18 years of friendship between 4 adults and their kids, everything was thrown away. EVERYTHING. I would hope that there was something to grasp on after such an event of a daughter trying to commit suicide. But the boyfriend didn’t try to pull the trigger, it was the girl who did it. But still, I want to know more.

I also know that I’m more frustrated now than I was before I finished the book. The ending is SHIT. Don’t want to buy another fucken book like that, cause I don’t want another disappointing ending that’s going to fail my scrutiny. My high standards. That’s what’s wrong with me, isn’t it? High standards? High expectations?

Things that I can’t control. Will they be the death of me? It’s like this “learning curve” of myself is actually doing my head in. I don’t have any time to think for myself, because there is no time left! Please.... A day to me! Sleep in for a bit. Tidy up the house a bit, and watch a whole movie, uninterrupted. Like hell. Lock the front door, leave the curtains closed, turn off the phone and watch a movie. That’s the answer, but it’s not my answer. I feel like I’m on call 24/7, but just to everyone else? What’s going on with me? It’s it possible to turn off my phone, but then again, there’s a better question to ask... Is it possible for me to have friends? I don’t trust them for long enough. Or is it something else? Back to the “high standards” we go.... :/

I’m upset, because I really wanted this book to end with a “why” too the main character wanting to commit suicide. Was it sexual abuse? Because I think it was, but it doesn’t go into it, and personally, I wish it did. Perverted as that sounds, I feel that that is a justified reason for such a problem to become so catastrophic. Ludicrous.

Counselling starts next week for me. I know that it’s a positive thing, but I’ll have to remember to be real, instead of looking all happy clappy every week. That doesn’t work, and it doesn’t achieve anything. I need someone to know about my daily thought processes, and someone to know that there are things that I find hard to not think, feel and believe on a day to day basis.

I feel like life friggen sucks right now. How will my world ever go on, if there is no solid justice in it?