Fictional Justice

I just want to say fuck fuck fuck it. I’ve just finished a Jodi Picoult book, and while they are interesting and intruiging, the endings are just about the winning of the court case. I want to know what happened to the girl. Seriously. What’s so hard about wanting to know about that? Because sometimes in life things don’t get fully explained? That’s what I want out of life though, for things to be fully explained. Just the way I like them.

It isn’t too hard to fully explain all the details in a book, nor on paper form for anything. But I suppose in the justice system, things go unexplained. I’d hate to be a lawyer for that reason. The thought of not being told the whole truth isn’t fathomable for me. It’s just the way I am built. Seriously. If you can’t follow the common rules of respect for another, there need be no more respect shared between two people. Maybe that’s another reason why my marriage failed. There was no communication, so there was no truth, no story told. No background. Therefore no respect to be given.

This book didn’t even have a happy ending. After 18 years of friendship between 4 adults and their kids, everything was thrown away. EVERYTHING. I would hope that there was something to grasp on after such an event of a daughter trying to commit suicide. But the boyfriend didn’t try to pull the trigger, it was the girl who did it. But still, I want to know more.

I also know that I’m more frustrated now than I was before I finished the book. The ending is SHIT. Don’t want to buy another fucken book like that, cause I don’t want another disappointing ending that’s going to fail my scrutiny. My high standards. That’s what’s wrong with me, isn’t it? High standards? High expectations?

Things that I can’t control. Will they be the death of me? It’s like this “learning curve” of myself is actually doing my head in. I don’t have any time to think for myself, because there is no time left! Please.... A day to me! Sleep in for a bit. Tidy up the house a bit, and watch a whole movie, uninterrupted. Like hell. Lock the front door, leave the curtains closed, turn off the phone and watch a movie. That’s the answer, but it’s not my answer. I feel like I’m on call 24/7, but just to everyone else? What’s going on with me? It’s it possible to turn off my phone, but then again, there’s a better question to ask... Is it possible for me to have friends? I don’t trust them for long enough. Or is it something else? Back to the “high standards” we go.... :/

I’m upset, because I really wanted this book to end with a “why” too the main character wanting to commit suicide. Was it sexual abuse? Because I think it was, but it doesn’t go into it, and personally, I wish it did. Perverted as that sounds, I feel that that is a justified reason for such a problem to become so catastrophic. Ludicrous.

Counselling starts next week for me. I know that it’s a positive thing, but I’ll have to remember to be real, instead of looking all happy clappy every week. That doesn’t work, and it doesn’t achieve anything. I need someone to know about my daily thought processes, and someone to know that there are things that I find hard to not think, feel and believe on a day to day basis.

I feel like life friggen sucks right now. How will my world ever go on, if there is no solid justice in it?

Primary Stress

After another night of not really sleeping much, I figured I could write about stress.

The things that plague me the most are what people say about me behind my back, the second most is the kids, in particular the boys, and then the care I get with the girls. Other things are money, because no matter how well I budget, I'm always short for the supermarket.

Generally in the last few fortnights, I've spent about $70-$120 in groceries at Coles, then I've gone to the fruit n veg market for $30 ish, then Kmart for basics, like clothes, bras etc. believe me, I'm desperate for the bras and the jeans at the moment. 3/4 pants in Tasmanian autumn is a KILLER. Other than that, my expenditure is rent, phone, electricity and my pet hatred, the loan that I have with my ex-husband. It's currently sitting on $22,144 owing. Yeah. That aint no small amount. When I subtract 6 thou from that, so that my ex pays for the car, then half the remaining amount to 8 thou, that's what I owe. And it isn't going anywhere soon.

The amount of care I get with my girls plagues me, simply because I feel like I never see them, and when I do, I'm always stressed. My partner and I have always agreed that Saturdays we will see our own kids separately to the other person, for one on one time, the only thing is, with the girls, this is the only day I see them out of school anyway! So, he normally comes along at some point, but we make a point of it for his kids, because they need the daddy time. Long story short, their mother is constantly saying nasty things to them about me, and they feel like daddy is going to leave them for me, so they need extra time with him.

I wont start about the boys, because that could take a few blogs of me whinging about his ex, houses and money, but I'll just say, we are grateful for the 5 days a fortnight that we get to prove that those kids are good kids, when they are given boundaries and good nutrition. It really isn't that hard, but it seems to be for the one who doesn't have any responsibility.

Thank God, that He gave me a decent brain, and I know how to use it.

When I grow up....

I've always struggled with the "what I want to be when I grow up" question. I've never settled for anything longer than a month or two, except maybe last year when I started uni, which lasted 3 months and I didn't even do any subjects that were going to progress me to get into Nursing. The question has been asked of me, if I had all the time and money in the world, what would I do with myself? For me, the answer was always the same thing: Buy tons or build tons of houses, and rent them out to people that really can't afford to pay the rent they need to (like myself now, and for the last 9 years) so that they can live in a decent house, with space and necessities, instead of being cramped in a 3 bedroom house for people with say, more than 4 kids.... People have challenged the idea, "How will you know who is going to actually take care of it, who will always pay their rent. How will you discern who is worthy?" Well, that's the thing. I've always been a discerning person. Not very many times am I wrong. Sometimes I'll go against my own judgement for the friendship, which I've done twice in the last 3 years, but otherwise, I can normally judge a book by it's cover and a 5 minute chat. Hehehe.

Sure, my plan has flaws; actually having this money, how and where am I going to build/buy/renovate. My point is, I want to give to people what I don't already have. I've lived without a decent low-price rental for so long, I wonder WHY Housing (Department of,) haven't rang me already and said "we have a house for you! I've always given away things that other people don't have, and it was definitely a little scary last year when I left my ex-husband and started my own life without him. I had nothing except a blow up mattress, and some of my clothes. Eventually, I accumulated the necessities, ie a fridge, beds for the girls, and eventually a bed for me, but my point was, I didn't know what to do or where to go to get stuff, and after all the things I had given away, I didn't receive anything back (until 8 months later, I got a couch).

Now, what I am doing towards what I want to be when I grow up, isn't nearly enough to accomplish this mean feat. I've tried to establish being a person who gives more than what she has, and that has landed me in a place where I spent more time helping others than say... washing my own hair. Oops. I've started to sell my extra things really cheaply to people that need it, and this helps when I post it on Gumtree. But I never know when it's going to bounce back. Sometimes I get really negative about it all, sometimes I'm happy to soldier on. Sometimes I just need some damn help, and there's no one there.

At the moment, I'm doing things that keep me sane. I LOVE helping out at my daughter's school in the uniform shop. There's like, an appreciation there for what I do, what things I achieve, and how it makes everyone elses lives easier. I like organising things when I'm not necessarily asked, but when I see a need. BUT once you ask me, it becomes a chore. Something that I hate doing. I'm happy to go out of my way to help someone who doesn't usually ask, but when my partner says, "Can you come over and do the dishes for me today, I don't have the time", it makes me cringe while I do.... half the dishes, and leave the rest in the sink to soak.

I'm looking forward to getting my hands dirty when we renovate our own house. I'm looking forward to making something with my own hands, that's in accordance with a plan. What I'm not looking forward to is my lack of motivation when I don't know exactly what I'm doing; my lack of energy when I have a task so big ahead of me that I don't feel I can accomplish it. But I'm looking forward to a finished product, of which, I will never be.

Hump days....

Bit of an up-in-the-air day today. Nothing really note-worthy happened, yet here I am, posting like I've got something important to say. But I don't.

I've realised that Wednesday is the best day for me to argue. I seem to have realised that on Wednesdays, I wait until my partner gets home, or to where ever I am, and I lay it on thick. I complain about his driving more when we go out, and generally have a go about something and get shirty. But why?

I've been doing an Alpha course for the past 10 weeks, and while it has helped me discover some amazing things that I haven't really taken notice of before, it really has become a huge strain on my week to week life. On my week with the kids, it's difficult, because I have to make sure everything is ready so I can go out at 7pm, and on the week that I don't have the kids, I've already been so busy, that all I want to do is go home to bed.

Wednesday's are hump day for people who work, people who have kids at school etc, but I'm struggling to keep it together by the time I get to it. On one week, I've been out all day, and helping at the school uniform shop, and on the other week, I've dropped my eldest at school, my youngest at daycare, and it's the last time we see the boys for the rest of the fortnight.

I think, to my disgust, even after cutting a lot of the helping out others that I have been over doing in my life, I find that I'm still too busy too keep up with myself, and I'm exhausted. The stress is beginning to me more than just too much, and I need a break.

Melbourne.

In two weeks, my partner and I are going to Melbourne for a one week - kid free holiday. Hopefully, this has enough down time to cure the extra stress....?