I've always struggled with the "what I want to be when I grow up" question. I've never settled for anything longer than a month or two, except maybe last year when I started uni, which lasted 3 months and I didn't even do any subjects that were going to progress me to get into Nursing. The question has been asked of me, if I had all the time and money in the world, what would I do with myself? For me, the answer was always the same thing: Buy tons or build tons of houses, and rent them out to people that really can't afford to pay the rent they need to (like myself now, and for the last 9 years) so that they can live in a decent house, with space and necessities, instead of being cramped in a 3 bedroom house for people with say, more than 4 kids.... People have challenged the idea, "How will you know who is going to actually take care of it, who will always pay their rent. How will you discern who is worthy?" Well, that's the thing. I've always been a discerning person. Not very many times am I wrong. Sometimes I'll go against my own judgement for the friendship, which I've done twice in the last 3 years, but otherwise, I can normally judge a book by it's cover and a 5 minute chat. Hehehe.
Sure, my plan has flaws; actually having this money, how and where am I going to build/buy/renovate. My point is, I want to give to people what I don't already have. I've lived without a decent low-price rental for so long, I wonder WHY Housing (Department of,) haven't rang me already and said "we have a house for you! I've always given away things that other people don't have, and it was definitely a little scary last year when I left my ex-husband and started my own life without him. I had nothing except a blow up mattress, and some of my clothes. Eventually, I accumulated the necessities, ie a fridge, beds for the girls, and eventually a bed for me, but my point was, I didn't know what to do or where to go to get stuff, and after all the things I had given away, I didn't receive anything back (until 8 months later, I got a couch).
Now, what I am doing towards what I want to be when I grow up, isn't nearly enough to accomplish this mean feat. I've tried to establish being a person who gives more than what she has, and that has landed me in a place where I spent more time helping others than say... washing my own hair. Oops. I've started to sell my extra things really cheaply to people that need it, and this helps when I post it on Gumtree. But I never know when it's going to bounce back. Sometimes I get really negative about it all, sometimes I'm happy to soldier on. Sometimes I just need some damn help, and there's no one there.
At the moment, I'm doing things that keep me sane. I LOVE helping out at my daughter's school in the uniform shop. There's like, an appreciation there for what I do, what things I achieve, and how it makes everyone elses lives easier. I like organising things when I'm not necessarily asked, but when I see a need. BUT once you ask me, it becomes a chore. Something that I hate doing. I'm happy to go out of my way to help someone who doesn't usually ask, but when my partner says, "Can you come over and do the dishes for me today, I don't have the time", it makes me cringe while I do.... half the dishes, and leave the rest in the sink to soak.
I'm looking forward to getting my hands dirty when we renovate our own house. I'm looking forward to making something with my own hands, that's in accordance with a plan. What I'm not looking forward to is my lack of motivation when I don't know exactly what I'm doing; my lack of energy when I have a task so big ahead of me that I don't feel I can accomplish it. But I'm looking forward to a finished product, of which, I will never be.
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