There are so many times in our lives where we have the ability to pull a good thing from a bad situation. I have friends who are doing it tough, and things are rather hard with their youngest child being sick an awful lot. But we all see that it's going to be better in the future. It doesn't make it any easier in the mean time. The older kids are babysat often, and it gets difficult for them too, but it's still better than being in the hospital having to be quiet, which can be very difficult when you're younger than six.
My fiance and I have been through soooooo much. We have wisdom to surpass others in similar situations, and we still believe that it's all worth it. It's for the kids. It's for us. Family. We are worth it. It's really nice to see people around us who are also so family oriented. But we are seriously glad for the break every other week too. What I would really like though, is an actual break. No work, no housework, no responsibility for a day. But oh well. I signed up for this 7 years ago when I was pregnant with my first, and then again with my second, and again when I started a new relationship with someone who already had kids. Do I regret having kids? Not at all. Do I wonder if it would have been easier if I'd done it all later in life? No doubt. But I cannot change it, so accepting it is the only way to go.
While in a financial situation that isn't all that pleasant, you learn how to be tight. With a tough situation with sick kids, you learn to persevere. While juggling both these things, you eventually learn to be forward thinking and organised. I know I've picked this up faster than others have, but whatever happened to being spontaneous? Seems hardly fair that you can't be, even when the kids aren't at home.
My words to those facing anything like this?
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1:2, 3 NIV)
It may seem never ending, it may always lurk in the background. But, know that everything that happens now will make you stronger, with higher tolerance of things to come. The wisdom you can carry to another going through the same will be immeasurable.
You have strength enough for this.
Yes, YOU have strength enough for this.
Saturday 24 November 2012
Monday 12 November 2012
Short and sweet.
So, it's off week again. I'm sitting in the Hobart office, so bored that I've re-read my entire blog, and wondered where I was a year ago. It's nice to catch up with myself. Things that have changed for the better, and maybe for the worse. The financial situation gets tighter, but I have come to realise that this is because of my partner and his insecurities. Having less than $100 in his bank account makes him panic. Whereas my personal opinion is if there's more than $20 in my account, I'm jumping for joy! For me, it's normally all gone by the Friday that I have the girls. This is okay with me, because I have finished my week with the kids by then. I won the weekend argument with my ex. I have the girls for a whole weekend starting Saturday mornings. It's for the better of the kids too. There are so many benefits.
Monday 8 October 2012
Going with the Flow...
Sometimes old things come to bite you in the bum.
Sometimes they're good things, to help you along that linear path that no one has actually constructed.
Sometimes it's a boring old thing, that doesn't really need dealing with, but it's still there.
But when it's something that comes to bite you in the bum, you have to be wary. You have a few options: Go with the flow; Hide where it came from - no one will know; or RUUUUN!!!
My partner's ex keeps biting us in the bum. Asking for more money, all the time. Don't Child Support get used to it, and tell the women to shut up? I've been on both sides of that coin, and now we're on the we're-too-poor-to-pay-that-amount side. But other than write a report saying just that, there isn't a lot we can do.
Loan's come to bite you in the bum once your divorced. My ex and I cannot settle ours, as I'm a single mum on a pension, there's nothing we can do. And my new partner's loan with his ex is a house loan, and it's not going anywhere until the house is sold, and in this market, it may be a while (fingers crossed it isn't).
Going with the flow is what I do best, you see. I don't stand and demand change, because it makes a scene. I don't like being the centre of attention. I have to be at our mum's group, because I lead some of it. But I'm not all that comfortable all the time. I do like taking charge. But going with the flow and steering - THAT, I am good at.
Our problem at the moment, is constructing how we are going to live on so little while the ex's both live with more. It's something that's both bit us in the bum, and we have to go with the flow to deal with it. Neither of us are the people to stand up for something that can barely be argued, even though we are so angry about what she is asking for, and what a government agency are suggesting we pay. So, going with the flow, even though we want to RUN, is the most likely option.
Ugh.
Sometimes they're good things, to help you along that linear path that no one has actually constructed.
Sometimes it's a boring old thing, that doesn't really need dealing with, but it's still there.
But when it's something that comes to bite you in the bum, you have to be wary. You have a few options: Go with the flow; Hide where it came from - no one will know; or RUUUUN!!!
My partner's ex keeps biting us in the bum. Asking for more money, all the time. Don't Child Support get used to it, and tell the women to shut up? I've been on both sides of that coin, and now we're on the we're-too-poor-to-pay-that-amount side. But other than write a report saying just that, there isn't a lot we can do.
Loan's come to bite you in the bum once your divorced. My ex and I cannot settle ours, as I'm a single mum on a pension, there's nothing we can do. And my new partner's loan with his ex is a house loan, and it's not going anywhere until the house is sold, and in this market, it may be a while (fingers crossed it isn't).
Going with the flow is what I do best, you see. I don't stand and demand change, because it makes a scene. I don't like being the centre of attention. I have to be at our mum's group, because I lead some of it. But I'm not all that comfortable all the time. I do like taking charge. But going with the flow and steering - THAT, I am good at.
Our problem at the moment, is constructing how we are going to live on so little while the ex's both live with more. It's something that's both bit us in the bum, and we have to go with the flow to deal with it. Neither of us are the people to stand up for something that can barely be argued, even though we are so angry about what she is asking for, and what a government agency are suggesting we pay. So, going with the flow, even though we want to RUN, is the most likely option.
Ugh.
Thursday 20 September 2012
Not All Things Lead Home
Somewhere randomly, something went wrong. Whether it was back in the Garden of Eden, or if it was at the point of the first tantrum for not getting what I wanted. Whenever it was, something went wrong. Something made it into my personality, so that I could not in anyway, possibly be perfect. This is not supposed to be a design flaw, but a chance to redeem ourselves in our own lives, and how we interact and react with others.
How does this make our lives easier? Surely everything would be easier for everyone if we were all perfect?
Perfection is something we can always strive for, but rarely achieve.
Being me is a rather hard. I'm a perfectionist, so that my friendships stay together. I get worried and paranoid that I'm going to hurt someone by what I say or do. Or annoy someone by a passing comment, or by something that I do different to them. It's a lot to keep up with. I don't make stable relationships easily, and normally it's with people who are REAL. As in, the one's that make mistakes, and are open about it. The one's that live their lives not giving two hoots about what other people think they are doing. My problem is, I seem to find everyone else shallow.
I've been wondering about aspergers in women. There was an online test where I was in the mid range for having aspergers. The test asked you questions about social situations, and how you understood things and up to 22 was normal, from 23 to 31 was slightly higher than average autistic traits, and 32 and above was showing a high degree of autistic traits. I had 30. Yeah. Go me.
But seriously, I had been suspecting this for years. My friend has said I cannot have it, because I'm nothing like her boys and husband. To be honest, how would a female with Aspergers be different to a male? It's so darn hard to recognise! There are so many things that a female does differently to men. But in all honesty, I feel I just want an excuse to put down the fact that I am so different to anyone else. My biological father is weird, and unsociable. not because he doesn't try, but he doesn't understand that he is so arrogant in what he says. He doesn't understand why what is funny to him isn't funny to anyone else.
My family have always thought I was weird. I didn't fit into their social group, I rarely opened up how I felt or expressed my opinion. I was always going to be wrong anyway. I can still remember when for my 15th birthday, my mother asked me what colour lamp I wanted for my birthday. It was a joke. Everyone in my family knew that I was orange everything. Orange t-shirts, pencil cases, wall paint, etc. So, whilst standing in the middle of Target, my mother is looking at me, jokingly waiting for me to say "Orange", when I turn around and say "Blue". I have NEVER lived that one down. From then on, my mother would randomly think about this very moment, and would on-the-spot turn to me, smack me over the back of the head and comment, "You got the blue one". From then on, I made my own choices. If I was going to get smacked over the back of the head for that decisions, I may as well made the decisions that I want to make, and deal with it.
From making my own decisions, I developed my own taste. I became picky about my clothes, and the colours I like. I hate red and lilac. I refused to wear them, buy pencil cases with those colours on them, lunch boxes, you name it. I think the least used coloured markers out of my connector pen collection are both the lilac and the plain red. Who knew that one little change of mind would lead to such a picky person to buy gifts for?
When buying me a gift, one should know that I buy things for practicality. I don't generally buy someone else an ornament or other, because it has no obvious use. It's just not practical! So as much as it's annoying that I buy boring things, like facial scrub pads in a new brand that I love, or a spiral notebook with your name etched on the front with it's intent labelled underneath, or even a set of headphones that are wireless but ugly, it's because they are useful, and I don't think you'd ever buy it for yourself. In terms of a gift for me, money will suffice, because I'm always after bookcases, I'm always after new notebooks, hairties and candles that smell like vanilla. I love getting new things that I want, or need. It makes me feel like even though I can't buy everything that I want, I can survive on the little necessities that are pretty. But even then you may never know what is right...
My mother still gets notebooks and pens for my presents. Although, now that we are not necessarily speaking, I get red ones. I wonder if I am supposed to be happy with the effort, when I know full well that the media pouch pocket from Smiggle with her much-loved owls on the front is a way better gift that she had attempted for the same Christmas? Does that mean that I should stop trying too? Seriously, I'd prefer the $10 that it would have cost to buy the red notebook and it's pen. Even if it was $5!
If a mother is willing to put the effort into a relationship with her daughter, does that show that all things lead home? Or does it live much to be desired?
How does this make our lives easier? Surely everything would be easier for everyone if we were all perfect?
Perfection is something we can always strive for, but rarely achieve.
Being me is a rather hard. I'm a perfectionist, so that my friendships stay together. I get worried and paranoid that I'm going to hurt someone by what I say or do. Or annoy someone by a passing comment, or by something that I do different to them. It's a lot to keep up with. I don't make stable relationships easily, and normally it's with people who are REAL. As in, the one's that make mistakes, and are open about it. The one's that live their lives not giving two hoots about what other people think they are doing. My problem is, I seem to find everyone else shallow.
I've been wondering about aspergers in women. There was an online test where I was in the mid range for having aspergers. The test asked you questions about social situations, and how you understood things and up to 22 was normal, from 23 to 31 was slightly higher than average autistic traits, and 32 and above was showing a high degree of autistic traits. I had 30. Yeah. Go me.
But seriously, I had been suspecting this for years. My friend has said I cannot have it, because I'm nothing like her boys and husband. To be honest, how would a female with Aspergers be different to a male? It's so darn hard to recognise! There are so many things that a female does differently to men. But in all honesty, I feel I just want an excuse to put down the fact that I am so different to anyone else. My biological father is weird, and unsociable. not because he doesn't try, but he doesn't understand that he is so arrogant in what he says. He doesn't understand why what is funny to him isn't funny to anyone else.
My family have always thought I was weird. I didn't fit into their social group, I rarely opened up how I felt or expressed my opinion. I was always going to be wrong anyway. I can still remember when for my 15th birthday, my mother asked me what colour lamp I wanted for my birthday. It was a joke. Everyone in my family knew that I was orange everything. Orange t-shirts, pencil cases, wall paint, etc. So, whilst standing in the middle of Target, my mother is looking at me, jokingly waiting for me to say "Orange", when I turn around and say "Blue". I have NEVER lived that one down. From then on, my mother would randomly think about this very moment, and would on-the-spot turn to me, smack me over the back of the head and comment, "You got the blue one". From then on, I made my own choices. If I was going to get smacked over the back of the head for that decisions, I may as well made the decisions that I want to make, and deal with it.
From making my own decisions, I developed my own taste. I became picky about my clothes, and the colours I like. I hate red and lilac. I refused to wear them, buy pencil cases with those colours on them, lunch boxes, you name it. I think the least used coloured markers out of my connector pen collection are both the lilac and the plain red. Who knew that one little change of mind would lead to such a picky person to buy gifts for?
When buying me a gift, one should know that I buy things for practicality. I don't generally buy someone else an ornament or other, because it has no obvious use. It's just not practical! So as much as it's annoying that I buy boring things, like facial scrub pads in a new brand that I love, or a spiral notebook with your name etched on the front with it's intent labelled underneath, or even a set of headphones that are wireless but ugly, it's because they are useful, and I don't think you'd ever buy it for yourself. In terms of a gift for me, money will suffice, because I'm always after bookcases, I'm always after new notebooks, hairties and candles that smell like vanilla. I love getting new things that I want, or need. It makes me feel like even though I can't buy everything that I want, I can survive on the little necessities that are pretty. But even then you may never know what is right...
My mother still gets notebooks and pens for my presents. Although, now that we are not necessarily speaking, I get red ones. I wonder if I am supposed to be happy with the effort, when I know full well that the media pouch pocket from Smiggle with her much-loved owls on the front is a way better gift that she had attempted for the same Christmas? Does that mean that I should stop trying too? Seriously, I'd prefer the $10 that it would have cost to buy the red notebook and it's pen. Even if it was $5!
If a mother is willing to put the effort into a relationship with her daughter, does that show that all things lead home? Or does it live much to be desired?
Tuesday 22 May 2012
Fictional Justice
I just want to say fuck
fuck fuck it. I’ve just finished a Jodi Picoult book, and while
they are interesting and intruiging, the endings are just about the
winning of the court case. I want to know what happened to the girl.
Seriously. What’s so hard about wanting to know about that? Because
sometimes in life things don’t get fully explained? That’s what I
want out of life though, for things to be fully explained. Just the
way I like them.
It isn’t too hard to
fully explain all the details in a book, nor on paper form for
anything. But I suppose in the justice system, things go unexplained.
I’d hate to be a lawyer for that reason. The thought of not being
told the whole truth isn’t fathomable for me. It’s just the way I
am built. Seriously. If you can’t follow the common rules of
respect for another, there need be no more respect shared between two
people. Maybe that’s another reason why my marriage failed. There
was no communication, so there was no truth, no story told. No
background. Therefore no respect to be given.
This book didn’t even
have a happy ending. After 18 years of friendship between 4 adults
and their kids, everything was thrown away. EVERYTHING. I would hope
that there was something to grasp on after such an event of a
daughter trying to commit suicide. But the boyfriend didn’t try to
pull the trigger, it was the girl who did it. But still, I want to
know more.
I also know that I’m
more frustrated now than I was before I finished the book. The ending
is SHIT. Don’t want to buy another fucken book like that, cause I
don’t want another disappointing ending that’s going to fail my
scrutiny. My high standards. That’s what’s wrong with me, isn’t
it? High standards? High expectations?
Things that I can’t
control. Will they be the death of me? It’s like this “learning
curve” of myself is actually doing my head in. I don’t have any
time to think for myself, because there is no time left! Please.... A
day to me! Sleep in for a bit. Tidy up the house a bit, and watch a
whole movie, uninterrupted. Like hell. Lock the front door, leave the
curtains closed, turn off the phone and watch a movie. That’s the
answer, but it’s not my answer. I feel like I’m on call 24/7, but
just to everyone else? What’s going on with me? It’s it possible
to turn off my phone, but then again, there’s a better question to
ask... Is it possible for me to have friends? I don’t trust them
for long enough. Or is it something else? Back to the “high
standards” we go.... :/
I’m upset, because I
really wanted this book to end with a “why” too the main
character wanting to commit suicide. Was it sexual abuse? Because I
think it was, but it doesn’t go into it, and personally, I wish it
did. Perverted as that sounds, I feel that that is a justified reason
for such a problem to become so catastrophic. Ludicrous.
Counselling starts next
week for me. I know that it’s a positive thing, but I’ll have to
remember to be real, instead of looking all happy clappy every week.
That doesn’t work, and it doesn’t achieve anything. I need
someone to know about my daily thought processes, and someone to know
that there are things that I find hard to not think, feel and believe
on a day to day basis.
I feel like life
friggen sucks right now. How will my world ever go on, if there is no
solid justice in it?
Friday 18 May 2012
Primary Stress
After another night of not really sleeping much, I figured I could write about stress.
The things that plague me the most are what people say about me behind my back, the second most is the kids, in particular the boys, and then the care I get with the girls. Other things are money, because no matter how well I budget, I'm always short for the supermarket.
Generally in the last few fortnights, I've spent about $70-$120 in groceries at Coles, then I've gone to the fruit n veg market for $30 ish, then Kmart for basics, like clothes, bras etc. believe me, I'm desperate for the bras and the jeans at the moment. 3/4 pants in Tasmanian autumn is a KILLER. Other than that, my expenditure is rent, phone, electricity and my pet hatred, the loan that I have with my ex-husband. It's currently sitting on $22,144 owing. Yeah. That aint no small amount. When I subtract 6 thou from that, so that my ex pays for the car, then half the remaining amount to 8 thou, that's what I owe. And it isn't going anywhere soon.
The amount of care I get with my girls plagues me, simply because I feel like I never see them, and when I do, I'm always stressed. My partner and I have always agreed that Saturdays we will see our own kids separately to the other person, for one on one time, the only thing is, with the girls, this is the only day I see them out of school anyway! So, he normally comes along at some point, but we make a point of it for his kids, because they need the daddy time. Long story short, their mother is constantly saying nasty things to them about me, and they feel like daddy is going to leave them for me, so they need extra time with him.
I wont start about the boys, because that could take a few blogs of me whinging about his ex, houses and money, but I'll just say, we are grateful for the 5 days a fortnight that we get to prove that those kids are good kids, when they are given boundaries and good nutrition. It really isn't that hard, but it seems to be for the one who doesn't have any responsibility.
Thank God, that He gave me a decent brain, and I know how to use it.
The things that plague me the most are what people say about me behind my back, the second most is the kids, in particular the boys, and then the care I get with the girls. Other things are money, because no matter how well I budget, I'm always short for the supermarket.
Generally in the last few fortnights, I've spent about $70-$120 in groceries at Coles, then I've gone to the fruit n veg market for $30 ish, then Kmart for basics, like clothes, bras etc. believe me, I'm desperate for the bras and the jeans at the moment. 3/4 pants in Tasmanian autumn is a KILLER. Other than that, my expenditure is rent, phone, electricity and my pet hatred, the loan that I have with my ex-husband. It's currently sitting on $22,144 owing. Yeah. That aint no small amount. When I subtract 6 thou from that, so that my ex pays for the car, then half the remaining amount to 8 thou, that's what I owe. And it isn't going anywhere soon.
The amount of care I get with my girls plagues me, simply because I feel like I never see them, and when I do, I'm always stressed. My partner and I have always agreed that Saturdays we will see our own kids separately to the other person, for one on one time, the only thing is, with the girls, this is the only day I see them out of school anyway! So, he normally comes along at some point, but we make a point of it for his kids, because they need the daddy time. Long story short, their mother is constantly saying nasty things to them about me, and they feel like daddy is going to leave them for me, so they need extra time with him.
I wont start about the boys, because that could take a few blogs of me whinging about his ex, houses and money, but I'll just say, we are grateful for the 5 days a fortnight that we get to prove that those kids are good kids, when they are given boundaries and good nutrition. It really isn't that hard, but it seems to be for the one who doesn't have any responsibility.
Thank God, that He gave me a decent brain, and I know how to use it.
Thursday 17 May 2012
When I grow up....
I've always struggled with the "what I want to be when I grow up" question. I've never settled for anything longer than a month or two, except maybe last year when I started uni, which lasted 3 months and I didn't even do any subjects that were going to progress me to get into Nursing. The question has been asked of me, if I had all the time and money in the world, what would I do with myself? For me, the answer was always the same thing: Buy tons or build tons of houses, and rent them out to people that really can't afford to pay the rent they need to (like myself now, and for the last 9 years) so that they can live in a decent house, with space and necessities, instead of being cramped in a 3 bedroom house for people with say, more than 4 kids.... People have challenged the idea, "How will you know who is going to actually take care of it, who will always pay their rent. How will you discern who is worthy?" Well, that's the thing. I've always been a discerning person. Not very many times am I wrong. Sometimes I'll go against my own judgement for the friendship, which I've done twice in the last 3 years, but otherwise, I can normally judge a book by it's cover and a 5 minute chat. Hehehe.
Sure, my plan has flaws; actually having this money, how and where am I going to build/buy/renovate. My point is, I want to give to people what I don't already have. I've lived without a decent low-price rental for so long, I wonder WHY Housing (Department of,) haven't rang me already and said "we have a house for you! I've always given away things that other people don't have, and it was definitely a little scary last year when I left my ex-husband and started my own life without him. I had nothing except a blow up mattress, and some of my clothes. Eventually, I accumulated the necessities, ie a fridge, beds for the girls, and eventually a bed for me, but my point was, I didn't know what to do or where to go to get stuff, and after all the things I had given away, I didn't receive anything back (until 8 months later, I got a couch).
Now, what I am doing towards what I want to be when I grow up, isn't nearly enough to accomplish this mean feat. I've tried to establish being a person who gives more than what she has, and that has landed me in a place where I spent more time helping others than say... washing my own hair. Oops. I've started to sell my extra things really cheaply to people that need it, and this helps when I post it on Gumtree. But I never know when it's going to bounce back. Sometimes I get really negative about it all, sometimes I'm happy to soldier on. Sometimes I just need some damn help, and there's no one there.
At the moment, I'm doing things that keep me sane. I LOVE helping out at my daughter's school in the uniform shop. There's like, an appreciation there for what I do, what things I achieve, and how it makes everyone elses lives easier. I like organising things when I'm not necessarily asked, but when I see a need. BUT once you ask me, it becomes a chore. Something that I hate doing. I'm happy to go out of my way to help someone who doesn't usually ask, but when my partner says, "Can you come over and do the dishes for me today, I don't have the time", it makes me cringe while I do.... half the dishes, and leave the rest in the sink to soak.
I'm looking forward to getting my hands dirty when we renovate our own house. I'm looking forward to making something with my own hands, that's in accordance with a plan. What I'm not looking forward to is my lack of motivation when I don't know exactly what I'm doing; my lack of energy when I have a task so big ahead of me that I don't feel I can accomplish it. But I'm looking forward to a finished product, of which, I will never be.
Sure, my plan has flaws; actually having this money, how and where am I going to build/buy/renovate. My point is, I want to give to people what I don't already have. I've lived without a decent low-price rental for so long, I wonder WHY Housing (Department of,) haven't rang me already and said "we have a house for you! I've always given away things that other people don't have, and it was definitely a little scary last year when I left my ex-husband and started my own life without him. I had nothing except a blow up mattress, and some of my clothes. Eventually, I accumulated the necessities, ie a fridge, beds for the girls, and eventually a bed for me, but my point was, I didn't know what to do or where to go to get stuff, and after all the things I had given away, I didn't receive anything back (until 8 months later, I got a couch).
Now, what I am doing towards what I want to be when I grow up, isn't nearly enough to accomplish this mean feat. I've tried to establish being a person who gives more than what she has, and that has landed me in a place where I spent more time helping others than say... washing my own hair. Oops. I've started to sell my extra things really cheaply to people that need it, and this helps when I post it on Gumtree. But I never know when it's going to bounce back. Sometimes I get really negative about it all, sometimes I'm happy to soldier on. Sometimes I just need some damn help, and there's no one there.
At the moment, I'm doing things that keep me sane. I LOVE helping out at my daughter's school in the uniform shop. There's like, an appreciation there for what I do, what things I achieve, and how it makes everyone elses lives easier. I like organising things when I'm not necessarily asked, but when I see a need. BUT once you ask me, it becomes a chore. Something that I hate doing. I'm happy to go out of my way to help someone who doesn't usually ask, but when my partner says, "Can you come over and do the dishes for me today, I don't have the time", it makes me cringe while I do.... half the dishes, and leave the rest in the sink to soak.
I'm looking forward to getting my hands dirty when we renovate our own house. I'm looking forward to making something with my own hands, that's in accordance with a plan. What I'm not looking forward to is my lack of motivation when I don't know exactly what I'm doing; my lack of energy when I have a task so big ahead of me that I don't feel I can accomplish it. But I'm looking forward to a finished product, of which, I will never be.
Hump days....
Bit of an up-in-the-air day today. Nothing really note-worthy happened, yet here I am, posting like I've got something important to say. But I don't.
I've realised that Wednesday is the best day for me to argue. I seem to have realised that on Wednesdays, I wait until my partner gets home, or to where ever I am, and I lay it on thick. I complain about his driving more when we go out, and generally have a go about something and get shirty. But why?
I've been doing an Alpha course for the past 10 weeks, and while it has helped me discover some amazing things that I haven't really taken notice of before, it really has become a huge strain on my week to week life. On my week with the kids, it's difficult, because I have to make sure everything is ready so I can go out at 7pm, and on the week that I don't have the kids, I've already been so busy, that all I want to do is go home to bed.
Wednesday's are hump day for people who work, people who have kids at school etc, but I'm struggling to keep it together by the time I get to it. On one week, I've been out all day, and helping at the school uniform shop, and on the other week, I've dropped my eldest at school, my youngest at daycare, and it's the last time we see the boys for the rest of the fortnight.
I think, to my disgust, even after cutting a lot of the helping out others that I have been over doing in my life, I find that I'm still too busy too keep up with myself, and I'm exhausted. The stress is beginning to me more than just too much, and I need a break.
Melbourne.
In two weeks, my partner and I are going to Melbourne for a one week - kid free holiday. Hopefully, this has enough down time to cure the extra stress....?
I've realised that Wednesday is the best day for me to argue. I seem to have realised that on Wednesdays, I wait until my partner gets home, or to where ever I am, and I lay it on thick. I complain about his driving more when we go out, and generally have a go about something and get shirty. But why?
I've been doing an Alpha course for the past 10 weeks, and while it has helped me discover some amazing things that I haven't really taken notice of before, it really has become a huge strain on my week to week life. On my week with the kids, it's difficult, because I have to make sure everything is ready so I can go out at 7pm, and on the week that I don't have the kids, I've already been so busy, that all I want to do is go home to bed.
Wednesday's are hump day for people who work, people who have kids at school etc, but I'm struggling to keep it together by the time I get to it. On one week, I've been out all day, and helping at the school uniform shop, and on the other week, I've dropped my eldest at school, my youngest at daycare, and it's the last time we see the boys for the rest of the fortnight.
I think, to my disgust, even after cutting a lot of the helping out others that I have been over doing in my life, I find that I'm still too busy too keep up with myself, and I'm exhausted. The stress is beginning to me more than just too much, and I need a break.
Melbourne.
In two weeks, my partner and I are going to Melbourne for a one week - kid free holiday. Hopefully, this has enough down time to cure the extra stress....?
Monday 30 April 2012
Week On, Week Off, Week On, Week Off
It's off week, in my house, and it's quiet, cold, and bare. The kids room is tidy for it's longest consecutive time in a month, and the freshly made cupcakes haven't been demolished. There's no need to worry about the school pick-up 20 minutes ago, and the 3 year old isn't craving my attention. Yep, it's DEFINITELY off week.
When we started the arrangement between the two houses, our head-spaces were shot with what was going to happen, the gossip of what had happened, and what we were to do here and now. We sorted an arrangement that best suited our girls, and we decided that no matter what crap happened between us, they would always be a priority.
It's the things that we didn't fine tune are the things that are plaguing me the most. I really want 2 weekend days for the girls and myself. I really want to spend all of mother's day with my kids. I don't want to wait until the school holidays to have a few hours of one on one time with my eldest. And I think that Sunday to Sunday only suits the opposing parent in this situation. From my perspective, Friday to Friday would be better for the kids. A weekend with the parent that they are about to spend the week with sounds like a better alternative to Sunday evening til Friday evening of the school house shuffle, THEN the weekend to have family time. But, because I'm the only one who see's this, I'm wrong. How lovely is that? And if I want it, I have to fight for it.
I wonder in the years to come, if my eldest will ask why we never spent time at Mummy's house on a Sunday? What will my answer be? Because your Father and his family decided that you couldn't? Geez, won't that be fun....
The week on, week off idea is a good one for parents who can easily communicate through their differences. So, obviously this doesn't work in the case of my partner and his ex, who cannot agree with anything if he does. Even down to who makes sure his kids wash their hands after the toilet, it has to be him. What rights does a mother actually have, when the children are in their father's care? I believe the problem that is actually occurring in this instance is the ex's insane jealousy.
More than a year ago, my partner was kicked out of the home he had almost finished building, because his wife had gotten annoyed, got into yet another argument, and blamed it on other people. She had said, it's either me and the kids, or your family, not both. He had said no, it wasn't up to her whether he saw his family or not, especially when they had done nothing wrong. Within weeks, she had started stories about the family "abusing" HER children, inappropriate touching between their (married) Aunt and Uncle, and how they had smacked her children without her permission (they didn't). Unfortunately, what she did not realise was that a LOT of people knew this family, and not one person even remotely believed her. A year later, she's removed all of the mutual friends from Facebook, bitches to anyone about her ex, that he left her for another woman. In the time that my partner and I have been together, there has always been a dramatic episode going on for her. About mid last year, I remember her saying that she's so sick, she might be dying soon. Munchausen's if you ask me! It's always one thing after another. There is always a problem, never a nice thing to say, and from my point of view, the children are ALWAYS in better care when they are within our responsibility.
Still, my point is week about isn't for every family, but it suits us fairly well.
When we started the arrangement between the two houses, our head-spaces were shot with what was going to happen, the gossip of what had happened, and what we were to do here and now. We sorted an arrangement that best suited our girls, and we decided that no matter what crap happened between us, they would always be a priority.
It's the things that we didn't fine tune are the things that are plaguing me the most. I really want 2 weekend days for the girls and myself. I really want to spend all of mother's day with my kids. I don't want to wait until the school holidays to have a few hours of one on one time with my eldest. And I think that Sunday to Sunday only suits the opposing parent in this situation. From my perspective, Friday to Friday would be better for the kids. A weekend with the parent that they are about to spend the week with sounds like a better alternative to Sunday evening til Friday evening of the school house shuffle, THEN the weekend to have family time. But, because I'm the only one who see's this, I'm wrong. How lovely is that? And if I want it, I have to fight for it.
I wonder in the years to come, if my eldest will ask why we never spent time at Mummy's house on a Sunday? What will my answer be? Because your Father and his family decided that you couldn't? Geez, won't that be fun....
The week on, week off idea is a good one for parents who can easily communicate through their differences. So, obviously this doesn't work in the case of my partner and his ex, who cannot agree with anything if he does. Even down to who makes sure his kids wash their hands after the toilet, it has to be him. What rights does a mother actually have, when the children are in their father's care? I believe the problem that is actually occurring in this instance is the ex's insane jealousy.
More than a year ago, my partner was kicked out of the home he had almost finished building, because his wife had gotten annoyed, got into yet another argument, and blamed it on other people. She had said, it's either me and the kids, or your family, not both. He had said no, it wasn't up to her whether he saw his family or not, especially when they had done nothing wrong. Within weeks, she had started stories about the family "abusing" HER children, inappropriate touching between their (married) Aunt and Uncle, and how they had smacked her children without her permission (they didn't). Unfortunately, what she did not realise was that a LOT of people knew this family, and not one person even remotely believed her. A year later, she's removed all of the mutual friends from Facebook, bitches to anyone about her ex, that he left her for another woman. In the time that my partner and I have been together, there has always been a dramatic episode going on for her. About mid last year, I remember her saying that she's so sick, she might be dying soon. Munchausen's if you ask me! It's always one thing after another. There is always a problem, never a nice thing to say, and from my point of view, the children are ALWAYS in better care when they are within our responsibility.
Still, my point is week about isn't for every family, but it suits us fairly well.
Thursday 26 April 2012
Being thankful in today's impolitely difficult world.
So, in my trials of the past week involving family and kids, and battles of custody, I've been challenged to think of 5 things to be thankful for each day. This can be easy, it can also be hard. Coming up with something different every day is obviously going to wear thin after a while.
There's some things that stand out above the rest. The ones that the girls and I thank God for every night at bedtime. Thank you God, for a roof over our heads, for food on the table, for the boys and my partner, for nice dreams, and more recently - for warmth.
This last one has come about due to the lack of heating in the place we currently rent. Tasmania is definitely one of the colder spots in Australia. At this time of year, it only takes an hour and a half's drive to go sit in the snow, so it's no wonder our house is cold, and we wear a lot of clothes both inside and out. At some point soon, I will have to tidy up the girls room and put locks on the cupboards so that the panel heater that I'm putting in there will be safe from the potential random clothes that my youngest throws out of the cupboards and all around the room.
The roof over our head began last year with a real estate encounter with miscommunication from their part, and probably ignorance from mine. We left our 1 bedroom unit, to move into a 2 bedroom closer to school, only to have it taken away from me the DAY that I was moving out. We spent 8-9 weeks staying with other people, and eventually even with my boyfriend, even though this is definitely not an ideal situation. We all learned that we need to be thankful that we have a roof over our heads, just in case it was so easily taken away again.
The food on the table is pretty much mandatory in most Christian homes. Nearly everyone says "grace" at meal times. You learn to appreciate food, when all that's left to feed 1 adult and 2 kids for 3 days is a packet of pasta, baked beans, tuna and a can of diced tomatoes. Believe me, you learn. You can learn other skills from this too. Like how to cook, starting with absolute basics.
In the way that we live and the people that we share our lives with when the girls are in my care, we see a lot of my boyfriend and his boys. I don't have a lot of family, especially seeing as when I was 14 we moved from Victoria to Launceston, Tasmania. So my external family is interstate. We've learned to make family out of what we have left. And well, there isn't a lot. But we love what we have. We support, care, nurture and encourage what we have. This, as most people would know, can be difficult, even in positive circumstances.
Lastly, the nice dreams is purely from the boys. They're known for having nightmares. They've had their share of horrible. After all, my boyfriend has an "Ex" for a reason. The kids always get used as a pawn for her benefit. This is an act that we never intend to utilise. We value our kids emotional health above everything. We provide stability and love, and the things above - the encouragement, caring and nurturing along with support. Our aim is the kids health and stability. Not purely our own. This can leave us quite angry with the other party. But from all of the mismanagement that has occurred with the boys, there is the opportunity for negative thoughts to intrude, and the bad dreams to enter. Therefore, the prayer for positive dreams is helpful for their minds, to release them of the worry of bad dreams. All the kids benefit from this nightly prayer.
Being thankful can be easy when you've had hard circumstances. It can be hard when it hurts those that you love. But hardest of all will be finding five new things each day that we are thankful for.
There's some things that stand out above the rest. The ones that the girls and I thank God for every night at bedtime. Thank you God, for a roof over our heads, for food on the table, for the boys and my partner, for nice dreams, and more recently - for warmth.
This last one has come about due to the lack of heating in the place we currently rent. Tasmania is definitely one of the colder spots in Australia. At this time of year, it only takes an hour and a half's drive to go sit in the snow, so it's no wonder our house is cold, and we wear a lot of clothes both inside and out. At some point soon, I will have to tidy up the girls room and put locks on the cupboards so that the panel heater that I'm putting in there will be safe from the potential random clothes that my youngest throws out of the cupboards and all around the room.
The roof over our head began last year with a real estate encounter with miscommunication from their part, and probably ignorance from mine. We left our 1 bedroom unit, to move into a 2 bedroom closer to school, only to have it taken away from me the DAY that I was moving out. We spent 8-9 weeks staying with other people, and eventually even with my boyfriend, even though this is definitely not an ideal situation. We all learned that we need to be thankful that we have a roof over our heads, just in case it was so easily taken away again.
The food on the table is pretty much mandatory in most Christian homes. Nearly everyone says "grace" at meal times. You learn to appreciate food, when all that's left to feed 1 adult and 2 kids for 3 days is a packet of pasta, baked beans, tuna and a can of diced tomatoes. Believe me, you learn. You can learn other skills from this too. Like how to cook, starting with absolute basics.
In the way that we live and the people that we share our lives with when the girls are in my care, we see a lot of my boyfriend and his boys. I don't have a lot of family, especially seeing as when I was 14 we moved from Victoria to Launceston, Tasmania. So my external family is interstate. We've learned to make family out of what we have left. And well, there isn't a lot. But we love what we have. We support, care, nurture and encourage what we have. This, as most people would know, can be difficult, even in positive circumstances.
Lastly, the nice dreams is purely from the boys. They're known for having nightmares. They've had their share of horrible. After all, my boyfriend has an "Ex" for a reason. The kids always get used as a pawn for her benefit. This is an act that we never intend to utilise. We value our kids emotional health above everything. We provide stability and love, and the things above - the encouragement, caring and nurturing along with support. Our aim is the kids health and stability. Not purely our own. This can leave us quite angry with the other party. But from all of the mismanagement that has occurred with the boys, there is the opportunity for negative thoughts to intrude, and the bad dreams to enter. Therefore, the prayer for positive dreams is helpful for their minds, to release them of the worry of bad dreams. All the kids benefit from this nightly prayer.
Being thankful can be easy when you've had hard circumstances. It can be hard when it hurts those that you love. But hardest of all will be finding five new things each day that we are thankful for.
Creativity
I've always been a creative person. I can make something out of nothing, I can fix things easily, mend clothing, make dresses without a pattern, for goodness sake, I even cut my own hair. :) What I lack here, is motivation to firstly start something, then finish the something. It's not that it takes effort (well, most of the time it isn't) or that it is too complicated, it's that it will take over my kitchen table, and the kids and I need that for eating on. I often wonder if I should use my small study desk for meals, and the kitchen table (a 6 seater) can be used for all my craft and creative ideas. Right now, I'm considering this point as to whether it will be useful tonight. I'd like to start a dress that I've designed in my head. It should look fantastic! But the things that stand in my way are childhood memories.
When I was younger, there were a few things that stood out. My mother made calico hoods for powder coaters, jackets and fleece pant sets to sell at the market, anything to make a little extra money, as our childhood wasn't a nice easy smooth run. I remember pins all over the dining room floor, and I have carpet. I remember my mother sitting sewing while listening to the tele, during school holidays that meant keeping away while she was busy to concentrate and work. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but it's not the best idea for bonding when you have a daughter like me (stubborn and rebellious). My main point is, that during those years, I remember my mum being busy. I rarely spoke to her, or was within her earshot for a positive reason. I don't want that for my kids. I'd like to be creative, but I'd prefer to be a positive influence for my kids. I have a WHOLE WEEK off without my kids, if I feel the need to be creative, I should do it in the time I have available, where it doesn't interrupt normal Monday to Friday life for the kids, take over my lounge room, and make me unavailable to my girls.
I'm looking forward to next week, as I've decided that I need to take a step back from helping everyone else and get myself and my priorities in order. I would like to stay home for about half of it, and sit in my lounge room, doing exactly the above. Leaving pins on the floor accidentally, covering the kitchen table with my creativity (in this case, a sewing machin, a large piece of white satin, and a twisty piece of pale blue chiffon) and making myself unavailable while I concentrate on making a masterpiece. I'm fairly sure my 6 year old will LOVE the time I have devoted to making her a princess dress for the Enchanted Evening. She has an evening in which I can make her feel like my little princess. She can feel treasured, loved and adored, because her mum had made her a stunning dress to go in. Also, on the other hand, I'm fairly sure her mum will like the comments when other parent's ask where I got her dress from.... ;)
When I was younger, there were a few things that stood out. My mother made calico hoods for powder coaters, jackets and fleece pant sets to sell at the market, anything to make a little extra money, as our childhood wasn't a nice easy smooth run. I remember pins all over the dining room floor, and I have carpet. I remember my mother sitting sewing while listening to the tele, during school holidays that meant keeping away while she was busy to concentrate and work. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but it's not the best idea for bonding when you have a daughter like me (stubborn and rebellious). My main point is, that during those years, I remember my mum being busy. I rarely spoke to her, or was within her earshot for a positive reason. I don't want that for my kids. I'd like to be creative, but I'd prefer to be a positive influence for my kids. I have a WHOLE WEEK off without my kids, if I feel the need to be creative, I should do it in the time I have available, where it doesn't interrupt normal Monday to Friday life for the kids, take over my lounge room, and make me unavailable to my girls.
I'm looking forward to next week, as I've decided that I need to take a step back from helping everyone else and get myself and my priorities in order. I would like to stay home for about half of it, and sit in my lounge room, doing exactly the above. Leaving pins on the floor accidentally, covering the kitchen table with my creativity (in this case, a sewing machin, a large piece of white satin, and a twisty piece of pale blue chiffon) and making myself unavailable while I concentrate on making a masterpiece. I'm fairly sure my 6 year old will LOVE the time I have devoted to making her a princess dress for the Enchanted Evening. She has an evening in which I can make her feel like my little princess. She can feel treasured, loved and adored, because her mum had made her a stunning dress to go in. Also, on the other hand, I'm fairly sure her mum will like the comments when other parent's ask where I got her dress from.... ;)
Monday 23 April 2012
Facebook, Cooking and Ex-Jealousy
I'm a Facebook-aholic. No need to ask a stay at home mum that these days. It must seem to all the men, and fathers out there, that us mum's are always on Facebook, because the housework is definitely never done, the cooking is never perfect (that is, when you cook like me) and the children aren't always perfectly in line. Obviously Facebook is the cause! When I am not at home, I have my trusty iPhone for all my Facebook needs, and sometimes, I may not even post, but I certainly feel like I'm intruding on someone else's life by reading their individual posts. You know, Facebook really does stop conversations. I have noticed this! It's now common to hear "Oh yes, I saw you posted that on Facebook", and there endeth the conversation....
So, anyway, I wanted to present that idea, because I would like to start another idea.... I'd like to be a blog-aholic. The idea has intrigued me more and more for the past few months, as it would be a place to put all my thoughts, ideas and general brain blab, into one slightly organised mess; this being a blog.
The idea was a good one, it seems though, I need to sit and continue to thing of random thought's that actually go together, and flow.
We've come to a conclusion recently, that everything from a packet is bad for you, foodwise. We've gone for the healthier items of these pre-packaged foods, like wholemeal pasta, legumes, beans, never buying white bread. But I tend to ask myself, will it make things better in the end? Will it help the youngest boy's inability to do a solid number two? Will it help the sugar and carbohydrate amount for the one in our family with diabetes? Will it help ME lose the extra 50 kilo's I've been accumulating since my first marriage? More vegetables, fruit twice a day, more protein and fibre.... Is this better than what I was providing on the table every night? Or is it just better than the boys mother?
I have this jealousy issue with their mother. I know she's a lying bitch, who can't keep her story straight, but she see's her kids more that I see my girls. She doesn't pay rent, mortgage, repay a loan, or struggle with school fees and uniforms. She's got enough money to be going to the gym, to take the kids wherever, whenever. New toys every payday. But, when I am ABLE to focus on the positives of what I do have, I can see I have better things than her. I have love. Our kids all love me, my partner loves me - almost endlessly. I have stability - I can provide the same things every week, I don't chop and change everything that I do, I don't change my mind on discipline, I have kids who know that they are loved, and that it will never change. That does not happen for those boys when they go home to their mother. I'm ready to get Welfare on her arse for the things that have happened, just in the last week. :/
Back to the food, are there any great idea's that you've recently tried that your kids actually eat? My girls aren't exactly what you call fussy, but there are things that they will not eat, or try. My eldest HATES carrots. Which I consider quite funny, because I'm happy to eat a raw carrot as a snack... My youngest girls HATES mince. Maybe it's the consistency, or the grittiness, but there's just something to it that makes her refuse to let it past her lips. Pretty much every one in our household doesn't eat pumpkin. I'm yet to try sweet potato on them, as we try to stay away from very starchy foods, but I do often wonder if they'll crack it because they think it's pumpkin. I know I used to! Last week at our mum's group, they showed us how to make lentil burgers. Not my idea of yum, but if I were at someone's house, I wouldn't say no. Better than tofu any day. But I tried adding lentils to our sauce for the wholemeal pasta on Saturday night, and it went down a treat, and no one needed more food during the rest of the night. My partner nearly always has an evening snack/supper to tide him through the night, as he's Diabetic. Most of the time it's just because he's hungry again, so I'm thinking that beans and lentils in dinners should become a must... :)
I'm a very narrow minded cook. A few years ago, the only dishes I had to my name were pasta from a jar, and fried rice. After expanding these, I tried a few more things, and since getting a slow cooker, I've added a few more. I've only tried beef recipes in the slow cooker, if it doesn't have meat of some sort, I find the kids don't touch it. And as soon as it becomes left overs, it might as well go in the bin. We don't look through the fridge for dinner, we plan them, so we try to make exact meals. I have put frozen whole meals in the freezer, and I've looked at them a year later and thought "I could use that container", and simply thrown it's contents out. So, I've basically given up on saving the leftovers. Except for my potato salad. No one's EVER thrown that out. It get's demolished so quickly! :D
So, anyway, I wanted to present that idea, because I would like to start another idea.... I'd like to be a blog-aholic. The idea has intrigued me more and more for the past few months, as it would be a place to put all my thoughts, ideas and general brain blab, into one slightly organised mess; this being a blog.
The idea was a good one, it seems though, I need to sit and continue to thing of random thought's that actually go together, and flow.
We've come to a conclusion recently, that everything from a packet is bad for you, foodwise. We've gone for the healthier items of these pre-packaged foods, like wholemeal pasta, legumes, beans, never buying white bread. But I tend to ask myself, will it make things better in the end? Will it help the youngest boy's inability to do a solid number two? Will it help the sugar and carbohydrate amount for the one in our family with diabetes? Will it help ME lose the extra 50 kilo's I've been accumulating since my first marriage? More vegetables, fruit twice a day, more protein and fibre.... Is this better than what I was providing on the table every night? Or is it just better than the boys mother?
I have this jealousy issue with their mother. I know she's a lying bitch, who can't keep her story straight, but she see's her kids more that I see my girls. She doesn't pay rent, mortgage, repay a loan, or struggle with school fees and uniforms. She's got enough money to be going to the gym, to take the kids wherever, whenever. New toys every payday. But, when I am ABLE to focus on the positives of what I do have, I can see I have better things than her. I have love. Our kids all love me, my partner loves me - almost endlessly. I have stability - I can provide the same things every week, I don't chop and change everything that I do, I don't change my mind on discipline, I have kids who know that they are loved, and that it will never change. That does not happen for those boys when they go home to their mother. I'm ready to get Welfare on her arse for the things that have happened, just in the last week. :/
Back to the food, are there any great idea's that you've recently tried that your kids actually eat? My girls aren't exactly what you call fussy, but there are things that they will not eat, or try. My eldest HATES carrots. Which I consider quite funny, because I'm happy to eat a raw carrot as a snack... My youngest girls HATES mince. Maybe it's the consistency, or the grittiness, but there's just something to it that makes her refuse to let it past her lips. Pretty much every one in our household doesn't eat pumpkin. I'm yet to try sweet potato on them, as we try to stay away from very starchy foods, but I do often wonder if they'll crack it because they think it's pumpkin. I know I used to! Last week at our mum's group, they showed us how to make lentil burgers. Not my idea of yum, but if I were at someone's house, I wouldn't say no. Better than tofu any day. But I tried adding lentils to our sauce for the wholemeal pasta on Saturday night, and it went down a treat, and no one needed more food during the rest of the night. My partner nearly always has an evening snack/supper to tide him through the night, as he's Diabetic. Most of the time it's just because he's hungry again, so I'm thinking that beans and lentils in dinners should become a must... :)
I'm a very narrow minded cook. A few years ago, the only dishes I had to my name were pasta from a jar, and fried rice. After expanding these, I tried a few more things, and since getting a slow cooker, I've added a few more. I've only tried beef recipes in the slow cooker, if it doesn't have meat of some sort, I find the kids don't touch it. And as soon as it becomes left overs, it might as well go in the bin. We don't look through the fridge for dinner, we plan them, so we try to make exact meals. I have put frozen whole meals in the freezer, and I've looked at them a year later and thought "I could use that container", and simply thrown it's contents out. So, I've basically given up on saving the leftovers. Except for my potato salad. No one's EVER thrown that out. It get's demolished so quickly! :D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)